Back by popular demand, we asked our Relationship Expert and Sexologist, Isiah McKimmie to tell us on how to spice up relationships through phone sex (video) amid this COVID-19 lockdown.
Wondering how to keep things interesting with your Bae while we’re all in lockdown? Or want to take things to the ‘next level’ with your latest Bumble match, but not sure how to do it from 1.5 metres apart?
I recently shared tips for dating creatively from a distance, so what’s the next step?
Enter sexting, phone sex or even video chat sex.
Yes, it might be a terrifying prospect. Even the thought of dirty talk or asking for what you want in person can be scary AF. But trust me, with some pro tips and a little practice, you’ll feel comfortable in no time. Aside from the obvious, there are quite a few benefits to ‘virtual romance’. Digital intimacy is a great way to keep your romance fun, playful and sexy – even if you can’t see each other in person. Sure, it’s kind of vulnerable, but that can actually bring you closer together. Virtual sex can also give you some great ideas to explore when you are finally able to meet each other again.
How do you do it without sounding totally awkward?
As a Couples Therapist and Sexologist (also someone who’s had her fair share of long-distance dirty talk), I’m here to share my tips. Thanks Moments!
These tips apply for sexting, phone sex or video chat sex.
Get enthusiastic consent first
The same rules for consent apply when you’re having virtual intimacy as when you’re in person.
• Engage with someone you trust.
• Ask permission before engaging – or before moving to the ‘next step’.
• Let them know if something doesn’t feel good for you.
• Just because you’ve said yes earlier or on a previous occasion, doesn’t necessarily make it a yes right now. Remember you can stop at any time.
You could try the subtle approach:
I was just thinking about some of the things I’d love to do with you when we finally get to meet in person…
Are you sure you want me to tell you? It’s not exactly G-rated…
Wait ’til you get a ‘yes’ before you share more!
You could also try a more direct approach:
Hey, I’ve been thinking about how I’d love to take things to the next level with you. I’m wondering if you’d come on a video date with me on Friday night… from our bedrooms?
Or:
Hey, I was reading about phone sex today. It’s actually something I would love to do with you. How would you feel about trying it with me?
Set yourself up
Just like any date or sexual encounter, you want to make sure you’re comfortable and feeling your best.
• Dress in something that makes you feel sexy.
• Have your pleasure toys at the ready.
• Put on a playlist you know will help you relax.
• Put your phone on ‘do not disturb’. You don’t want to be interrupted by a phone call.
• If you’re planning on video calling, get the lighting right so you don’t feel like you’re under a spotlight – unless that’s your thing of course.
Take it step by step
You don’t have to jump straight to a video call or even a voice call. Sexting is a great way to start, especially if you’re feeling little nervous. It can still be hot AF. You could then send a suggestive picture or even a short video. The next step may be jumping on a voice call and then, when you’re comfortable, a video call.
Just like IRL sex, you don’t need to jump straight to the ‘main event’. You can let the sexy banter stretch out over hours or days.
Think about the words you like to use
We’re not taught how to talk about sex. Actually, many of us can be pretty silent during sex. It can be a scary prospect to just start talking about it! As a start, think about the words you like to use for your genitals. You can even have a conversation about it with your partner. If you want to know what they refer to their own genitals as, ask them.
Which words for ‘your cock’ turn you on the most?
As a penis-owner, what would you like me to call it?
Or listen to the words they use to get some clues. If you don’t like the words someone is using for your own lady-garden, tell them.
Hey, I actually don’t love hearing that word. I’d love it if you could refer to her as ‘pussy’ or ‘vulva’ instead.
I call her ‘yoni’. I’d love if you could use that word too.
You can also get poetic about the words you use. You can say for example…
I’d love you to be tracing your fingers around my lips right now.
I’m imagining you teasing me, pausing right at the entrance before you enter me slowly.
I wish I was running my tongue right up your shaft right now and then just making circles around the head.
Get ideas from erotica if you’re uncertain
Reading or listening to erotica like Dipsea, is a great way to get ideas and start to feel comfortable with sexy language. You’ll likely pick up some tips on things that turn you on or that you’d like to explore later too.
3 ways to get things going
‘What do I say and where do I even start?’ is the most common question I get about digital sex.
Here are 3 ways to start:
• Reminiscing about something you did in the past
• Something you’d like to do
• Something you’re actually doing now
For example:
I was just thinking about that first weekend we spent together…
For some reason that night we had after your friend’s wedding keeps coming into my mind…
I’m finding it so hard to concentrate today! I can’t stop thinking about all the things I’d like to do when we meet next…
My imagination is running wild right now at what we can do when we finally get to see each other again.
I’m hanging out on my bed thinking of you.
Just got out of the shower. Can’t decide what to wear. Might just hang out in my underwear for a bit…
You can also role play if that’s your thing. Virtual sex doesn’t need to be things you’d actually like to do IRL. Have fun with it.
How to keep the conversation going
So, you’ve started, but you’re lost for words? It happens.
Here are some tips to keep things going.
• Describe how something feels
• Tell your partner what you wish they could do to you if they were with you
• Describe what you’d do to them
• Ask them what they’re doing
• Tell them what you’re doing
• Make sounds of enjoyment
For example:
I can literally feel my pussy pulsing right now.
Just imagine me kneeling down in front of you and slowly taking you all the way into my mouth.
If you were here, I’d be asking you to – actually demanding – that you go down on me right now.
Tell me what you’re doing right now. I want to hear exactly how you’re touching yourself.
I’m making slow circles on my clit right now. I can feel myself starting to get wet.
Remember to continually get consent as you go or to move to the next step.
If you’re unsure of how the other person is feeling, or if you’re starting to feel comfortable and want to move things to the next step, check in and make sure you still have constant.
You could say:
Hey, I notice you just went quiet. Is this still feeling good for you?
I’m feeling super turned on right now and I’d love to send a pic to show you what I’m doing. Are you open to that?
How to say no when something doesn’t feel good
Just like in IRL sex, sometimes something happens that doesn’t feel great for us or we end up in our heads.
It’s okay to talk about it. You don’t need to keep pushing yourself.
If something doesn’t feel great for you, say something like:
That thought doesn’t quite work for me. What I’d prefer is if you were slowly and gently thrusting instead.
I just noticed that I was triggered by that comment. I just need to take a minute to feel my connection with you again. Can you let me know that’s okay?
Hey, I’m sorry. I’ve just totally lost the moment here. I’d love to just go back to regular conversation for a bit.
And if they want to keep going:
That’s fine. You go take care of you. I’m going to take care of me and get off the call right now.
Enjoy yourself all the way to orgasm
Enjoy yourself fully! Hearing – or even just knowing that you’ve just had an orgasm can be super sexy to a partner.
You can still be in sync with each other even when you’re getting down virtually. Let your partner know when you’re getting close and there’s a good chance you can time your orgasm together.
Tips for using video
Position the camera in a way that feels comfortable to you. Seeing your face can be just as sexy as seeing ‘everything’. Set up your phone/computer so you have both hands free.
Final tips:
• Don’t let yourself be rushed into anything
• Remember to laugh and have fun
• Touch yourself while you’re on the call
• Spice things up even more by getting a sex toy that your partner can use remotely
• Put your safety first. Make sure you trust how any messages, images or video share will be treated.
Also read our other blog Delay Climaxing using Condoms
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.
If you have a question for Isiah, email us at info@momentscondoms.com.au
