“This is our condom of choice. For both of us, this one feels like there’s nothing there. According to my partner, this is the closest to wearing nothing that he’s felt.”

How to fully let go in bed: 6 tips to improving pleasure and confidence by Isiah Mckimmie

Have you ever found that you can’t stop thinking during sex? Pleasure and Confidence.
It’s distracting.

And it stops us enjoying ourselves fully.

Many folks share with me that they wish they could relax and ‘let go’ during sex.

They feel like they’re holding themselves back during intimacy, are stuck in their head and that they struggle to just ‘let go’ and really enjoy themselves.

We can worry about how our body looks and what our lover is thinking about it.
We can be thinking about our performance and wonder if we’re doing the ‘right things’.
We can be worried about falling pregnant or ‘catching something’ from the person we’re with.
We can feel embarrassed about sex or afraid to ask for what we really want.
Or we can just struggle to turn off thinking about all the things we have to do.

It sucks.

For many, it means increased anxiety, less pleasure and even missing out on orgasm.

I get it. I’m a Sexologist and Sex Therapist now, but I wasn’t always comfortable and confident about sex. For a long time, I felt like I was holding myself back too and missing out on whatever everyone else knew that makes sex mind-blowing.

Here’s how you can learn to fully let go during sex and experience mind-blowing pleasure:

1. Create a sex-positive attitude

We might not know it, but we live in a culture that, while being kind of obsessed with sex, carries much shame and fear around it.
We can take on negative beliefs about sex without even knowing it. Beliefs like ‘sex is to please a partner’ or ‘good girls don’t have too much sex’.

These negative beliefs can hold us back.
Feeling good about sex and knowing that you deserve to fully enjoy yourself is a great first step to letting go.

2. Use a condom

If you’re anxious, you’ll find it more difficult to let go.
Take a moment to grab a Moment so you can put your mind at ease about pregnancy or STIs.
If you’re not sure how to talk to someone about using a condom, check out these helpful suggestions.

3. Take deep breaths

When you’re caught in your head and struggling to let go, your breathing will be more shallow.
Focus on taking deep breaths, which will help you feel calmer and slow your thoughts down. Taking full deep breaths will also help you heighten your pleasure and have more intense orgasms.
Remember your breathing from yoga class? That’s what we’re aiming for. Full deep breaths all the way into the belly.

4. Focus on how you feel

You can’t think your way to pleasure. You have to feel it.
When we’re struggling to let go, it’s often because there are so many thoughts running through our minds.

It can be challenging, but try to ignore your thoughts and instead focus on what you’re feeling in your body. When you notice yourself thinking, come back to the body and sensation. You may need to do this a number of times, but that’s okay. Taking those deep breaths will help.

5. Learn to ask for what you want during sex

When you can ask for what you want during sex, you’re going to feel more confidence and pleasure. This helps you let go.

6. Remember the most attractive thing you can do in bed is enjoy yourself

One of the most common thoughts that stops us enjoying ourselves fully during sex is worrying about our performance or what we look like.
Let those thoughts go right now. Your partner loves how you look, that’s why they’re in bed with you.

The sexiest thing you can do for a partner is enjoy yourself.

Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and be guided by it, is a gift to your partner.
Your pleasure, is one of the biggest turn ons for your lover. Your enthusiasm, not perfect technique, is what you partner will enjoy most.

You also can read another article on our blog 6 PROVEN WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.
If you have a question for Isiah, email us at