How to have great sex after divorce by Samantha X

When we say: ‘I do’, we say it knowing there is good chance you’re actually saying ‘I do – for now’, as there is roughly a 30% chance your marriage will end up in the family law courts. And that figure is on the rise: according to the Australian Institute of Family Studies, the current divorce rate in Australia is 2.2 splits per 1,000 in 2021, up from 1.9 in 2020.

Ending a marriage is never easy. Heartbreak, infidelity, domestic violence, the pressure of kids, job stress or just falling out of love; there are lots of reasons why we walk away. We can find ourselves suddenly single at any age, at any stage – and it’s just as daunting at 50 as it is at 30. Let’s be honest, having sex with the same person for years and years is comfortable.

In fact, according to a study by sexual health and wellness company Moments, 55% of Australian women aged 18-45, don’t use condoms for this very reason – because you’ve had the same partner for years.

It makes sense. You love each other, you trust each other.

They know your body inside out, you know theirs. They know what gets you off in between the sheets, and you know the secret ways to turn your partner on. Married sex is easy and predictable. Then bam! Your marriage is over. And you’re out in the big bad world alone. No doubt your confidence has taken a bit of a hit, your self-esteem is low and you think you’re never going to meet anyone, let alone get naked in front of someone new.

Clumsy, scary, awkward, embarrassing… Yes, sex after divorce can be all those things. Buying condoms again can be embarrassing and you may worry you are being judged – with three in 10 women aged 18 to 45 saying they feel uncomfortable buying condoms. 

Sex can also be fun, thrilling, erotic, sensual and you may rediscover there is such a thing called foreplay!

I’ve got news for you – you WILL regain your confidence, you WILL feel better and you WILL have sex again!

A divorce can kickstart the discovery of your sexuality. You’ve had years of bland sex – now it’s the time for adventure. Once you’ve mended your heart, it’s time to get back on the horse. You may want to try things you’ve never tried before, you may want to invest in sex toys, masturbation, an escort, or a lover – you certainly do not need to be a committed relationship to have great sex. It’s important to get back on the horse sooner rather than later, blow the cobwebs away, and know that desire is healthy, sex is fun and you’re free to do it now as much as you want!

Here are my three tips to great sex after a divorce – at any age:

• Get to really know your body. Be honest; how many orgasms have you been faking in your marriage, how many headaches have you had at bedtime? (They’ve suddenly disappeared right?). Before you hop into bed with someone new, have sex with yourself. Do your research online, there are some great pleasure products for men and women. You can’t expect a new partner to know what turns you on if you don’t.
• Don’t think your next bed buddy is going to be your next life partner. You don’t need to fall in love to have sex, you have permission to have sex with who you want, when you want, you’re free now! Make use of the dating apps (the dating landscape may have changed since you were off the market…) and good sex with someone you trust can boost your confidence.
• Safety first. Unfortunately, while the dating landscape may have changed, STIs and risk of pregnancy haven’t. (and yes, people over 40 can get STIs just as easily as the younger generation). Don’t be complacent. You may not be able to get pregnant if you have other methods in place or have been through the menopause, but you are at risk of getting a STI – and no one wants that. I have one word for you: condoms. Pop a few packets of Moments, while you’re at the supermarket, the cashier won’t even notice if you’re embarrassed (after all, it’s probably been a while…). Also remember: good sex is about communication. Don’t be afraid to find your voice after all these years, and that the word ‘no’ is a full sentence. And most of all, have fun!

About the Author

Samantha X is an author, columnist, former escort and host of XPosed podcast.

She was a journalist on TV and magazines before becoming an escort at 37. She has written two bestselling books Hooked and Back on Top, and have recently retired.